


Hello

by GoodGollyMissYollie (Yollie183)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cat Stickers, Dan Is In High School, Depression, M/M, Phil Is In Uni, Self-Harm, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3515216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/GoodGollyMissYollie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is good at hiding who he is, but Phil sees too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from Hello by Evanescence

The bell rang.

Dan stuffed his books into his backpack, sliding out of his seat and walking to the classroom door with a confident swagger. He grinned at Eric, who was his closest acquaintance. Dan didn’t regard any of the people he hung out with as his friends. You can’t be friends with someone you didn’t know.

And no one did know Dan. All they saw was the dimpled smile, the witty comments, the reckless confidence. But that wasn’t Dan. That was someone else wearing his face.

 

He looked up at the sky as he walked out of the school building, pulling his hood up when he saw the fine mist of rain gently falling to earth.

“Bye, Dan!” Eric said loudly, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Bye,” Dan answered, giving a smile and wave as Eric walked away.

He put his headphones in, listening as a sad piano melody trickled through his mind. He wished he could play like that.

 

_**Playground school bell rings again** _  
_**Rain clouds come to play again** _  
_**Has no one told you he's not breathing?** _  
_**Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to** _  
_**Hello** _

 

Several more people greeted him as he left the school grounds, ambling along home. With each step, he sloughed off a little bit of Actor Dan, to reveal Actual Dan. Lonely, sad, scared Dan.

By the time he got home, his lips had forgotten how to smile, his eyes had become hooded. He quickly made himself a sandwich before going up to his room. He looked at his keyboard for a fleeting moment, the piano melody still swirling in his head, then grabbed his laptop instead. He leant back against his pillow and opened a new browser window. He took a bite of food, chewing as he checked through his social media accounts. He ended up on YouTube, no surprise, clicking listlessly through videos he only half-watched. Only one channel ever held his attention these days. AmazingPhil.

Dan sighed and pulled out his phone, looking at a text he’d received that morning.

 

From: Phil

 

_Hey, can u meet me at our spot tonight, please? @7-ish?_

Dan read over the words, his eyes tracing the miniscule shape of each letter. He’d once heard that you should never meet your idols, because they will invariably disappoint you. But what do you do if the opposite happens? What do you do if your idol is better and greater than you could have dreamed and _you’re_ the disappointment?

Dan sighed. He almost wished he could turn back time to two months ago, to before he had first met Phil. Too late now, though.

Too soon it was 6:30 and Dan shrugged into his favourite black coat, pulling the hood low over his eyes. He clambered out of his bedroom window and down the trellis covered in thorny plants.

The spot where he and Phil usually met was two blocks away, a small park with an old dilapidated swing set. Dan was early. He sank down onto one swing, gently swaying to and fro as he watched the spot between two tall trees where Phil would appear. Finally a dark shape emerged, pale face half hidden behind black hair and a green hood. Neither of them spoke until Phil had sat down on the other swing.

“Hi,” Phil said.

“Hi,” Dan replied, turning to look at the older boy.

“Are we going to talk about last night at all?” Phil asked, turning fully to face Dan, his blue eyes wide and serious.

Dan’s lips quirked into a crooked smile. “Last night was great. You’re really good with your hands... and mouth.”

Phil blushed, visible even in the darkness. “That’s not what I meant,” he murmured, looking a bit embarrassed, but Dan could see the steely resolve in those blue, blue eyes.

“There’s nothing else to talk about,” the younger boy said coldly.

Without warning, Phil grabbed Dan’s arm, ignoring his wince and pulled up his sleeve. Three harsh red lines marred the tanned skin, stretching from his wrist to the crook of his elbow.

“There’s this to talk about!” Phil said, tightened his grip as Dan tried to pull free.

“Fuck you!” Dan spat, finally liberating his arm from Phil’s pale fingers. He got up and started to walk away, but paused and turned back to Phil. “I hate you.”

 

He didn’t allow himself to think, moving mechanically until he was back in his bedroom. There he took off his jacket and shirt, dropping them on the floor.

He turned to look in the mirror. Dark hair, dark eyes, dimple (visible since he had his lips pressed into a thin line), unremarkable body. He looked at his right arm, the one Phil had grabbed. There were faint pink finger marks on his skin, but they paled next to the cuts. Only three long lines, made up of numerous smaller lesions. Near his elbow, the freshest one was still bleeding. Why did Phil care so much about three cuts? The rest of his skin, every inch of it, was unmarked. He tugged off his pants and climbed into bed, pressing his face into the pillow and trying not to think about the way Phil had reacted last night. It had gone so well, after their first kiss, as their hands had roamed each other’s bodies, mouths tasting and teasing until Dan held felt as though his very soul was on fire. Then Phil had tugged off Dan’s shirt, his eyes immediately noticing the cuts. Phil had been horrified.

 

The next day at school, Dan was his usual sunny self, all traces of the previous night’s angst gone, as though it had happened to a different person. (Maybe it had, Dan told himself.)

He turned in his homework, talked to people, smiled and joked with Eric and the other kids at their table in the cafeteria. He didn’t drop the act for even a second.

 

_**If I smile and don't believe** _  
_**Soon I know I'll wake from this dream** _  
_**Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken** _  
_**Hello, I am the lie living for you so you can hide** _  
_**Don't cry** _

 

By the time he got home, he was exhausted. He trudged up the stairs and flung open his bedroom door, ready to fall onto his bed.

The first thing he saw, though, was a piece of paper stuck to the outside of his window with what seemed to be a cat sticker. He retrieved the paper. It was a sticker of a ginger cat with a blue bow around it’s neck.

 

_Dear Dan_

_You are beautiful and smart and amazing._

_I know that you hurt inside a lot. I listen to every word you say and I notice how you hide the pain behind sarcasm and that stunning smile. Please know that I’m not like your parents. I don’t believe that you’re just going through a phase, like they said._

_Please don’t hurt yourself any more._

_Talk to me. I’ll listen and do my very best to help make things better. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes._

_I love you!_

_Phil_

Next to Phil’s name there was a lion sticker.

Dan wiped his eyes and put the letter in his diary.

 

For the next three weeks, Dan didn’t see or talk to Phil. He got a few texts, mostly just saying “Hello”. Phil would never force Dan into communicating, he was too kind. This fact was endearing and infuriating in equal parts to Dan. On one hand he realized that Phil knew him well enough to let Dan make the next move, but on the other, Dan kind of wished Phil would just barge in and try to stage an intervention, just so Dan could keep being angry with him.

 

**_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping_ **  
**_Hello, I'm still here_ **  
**_All that's left of yesterday_ **

 

As the days passed, Dan retreated further into himself, the way he’d done before he’d met Phil. He gave Actor Dan free reign.

 

Finally, on the twenty-fourth day after he’d found the letter, Dan texted Phil.

 

To: Phil

 

_Can I come over after school? @4?_

~

 

From: Phil

 

_Of course_

It was raining, and Dan’s hair was wet and starting to curl as he knocked on the door of Phil’s dorm room.

Phil gave a small smile as he opened the door.

“I brought you Squares,” Dan said, pulling a bag of crisps from his backpack and handing it to Phil.

“Thank you,” Phil said, his eyes wide with surprise.

“And I have something to show you,” Dan said quietly.

 

He waited until Phil had shut the door before slipping his arms out of the sleeves of his coat, dropping it onto Phil’s bed. Then he slowly rolled up his right sleeve. He held out his arm and Phil gently took his hand, his gaze travelling over Dan’s skin. The cuts were mostly healed, leaving faint white scars. There were no new marks.

“Oh Dan,” Phil breathed, letting his finger tips lightly move over the scars.

“I’m not broken,” Dan said, “I don’t need fixing, okay?”

Phil looked up to meet his eyes.

“I still want to cut, but I haven’t since I read that letter you stuck to my window. I think, maybe, that if I talk to you when I feel that way, that maybe I can stop for good. I don’t know, maybe. I’ve never had a friend, and I don’t really know what friends do, so I’ll probably still disappoint you, but I never, ever want you to look at me the way you did that night, ‘cause that hurt worse than anything else.” Dan took a deep breath before continuing. “In the letter you said you love me. I don’t know too much about love, except that it’s not the way it is in movies. But I think that the way my chest seems to fill up when I see you is love. It is, isn’t it?”

Dan was still looking at Phil, whose blue eyes were shining with tears.

“I hope so,” Phil nodded, pulling Dan into his arms.

 

They stayed that way for a long while. Finally, Phil raised his head.

“Want to watch some Buffy?”

Dan nodded, giving Phil a real smile, the first one in a long time.  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I saw a Tumblr post about a really old tweet of Dan's where he says he's thinking about singing this song.
> 
> It was my favourite Evanescence song in high school. To me it sort of resonated because when you're sixteen, no one really believes that you actually suffer from Depression - they all say it's just a phase. So you create a mask to hide behind. 
> 
> I'm not saying Dan was actually like this in school, but I was, and many others are.


End file.
